Take my love
by Jim Handy
Summary: Malcolm Reynolds has his reasons for not wanting to talk about his past.


I've got a kind of informal deal with the crew. They don't ask about my past, and I don't go probing into theirs. Except when it's necessary. I think it's a policy that's worked out pretty well, at least as well as anything works out on this ship. Aside from Zoe, I don't know and don't care about where most of my crew came from or why they chose to strike out into the black.

Does get lonely, though. Sometimes I want to tell them why I try and find the nearest Alliance bar every Unification Day, or why I fought so long and hard for the Browncoats. God knows we were far from a saintly bunch ourselves; I fought shoulder to shoulder with the kind of folk I wouldn't give the time of day to as captain of Serenity. Slavers and thieves and murderes and other outlaws, men on the run from crimes that should have gotten them life in a deep dark cell. There were men convinced that God Almighty had given them permission to mistreat their women and children, to work them like mules and hit them when they refused to obey. But I kept my silence and fought along with them, because keeping Shadow out of the Alliance meant that much to me.

Mama didn't want me to go. Said I should stay where I had roots, friends, family. She kept pointing out how safe I was on Shadow, and how I'd surely die if I signed up for the Independent Army. Almost makes me laugh at the way things turned out.

----

"Malcom Beauregard Reynolds!"

The senventeen year old froze at the sound of his mother's voice. Turning around reluctantly, he let his pack drop to the ground and looked his mama square in the eye. He owed her that much, at least. The bustle of Taibe Spaceport parted around them.

Abigain Reynolds looked her son up and down and sniffed. "I suppose you thought you could put me off by telling me you were heading over to the Cabot's for 'just a few days'? You never could lie to me to save your life, boy."

Mal flinched slightly at that. He didn't like lying to his ma, but she'd never let him go to the recruiting station willingly. "Mom," he started, hating the whine he heard in his voice.

She raised a hand; he shut up immediately. "Now don't you dare iterrupt me, Malcom, especially not after what you've put me through. I was in such a panic I had Jun and hte rest of the hands searching every rock and crevice for miles around before I realized just where you must be headed. Took me an hour to get here by train, and the ticket was not cheap, let me tell you."

He sighed and lowered his head. That was that, then. Mama was going to drag him back to the famr, where he'd spend his days rounding up cattle and bargaining with offworld buyers and watching his friends leave to join the fight against the Alliance. The thought made his mouth go dry and his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth, but what was he to do? His mother was right there, and she'd made her opionion on the matter abundantly clear. He reached down to pick up his backpack, already hearing Jun and Mike and Handy's laughter in his mind.

"So you'd best take this right quick before you miss your ship. I can't leave the ranch alone for a minute or everything will go bottom up."

Mal jerked up, shocked. His mother was holding a parcel wrapped in brown paper, and her eyes were shining with unshed tears. Taking the package from her slowly, like a dream he was afraid would end if he moved too fast, he tore the wrapping off to see what was inside.

A box of homeade bread, cheese and jam. A few sticks of his favorite jerky. And the family bible, with the gold cross on the front nearly worn off.

Mal looked up, trying to find the right words, but they just wouldn't come. Abigail crossed the space between them and grabbed him by his shoulders, held him close and buried his head in her shoulder.

"Make sure you read that book every night, you hear? And at least try to behave yourself out there. I don't want you coming home another rowdy army boy." Mal could scarcely believe the sorrow in her voice. She moved on briskly despite it. "And eat all the food before it goes bad. Wouldn't like to think I wasted all the time I spent cooking."

"Ma, why....." It was all he could think to say at the moment.

She pulled awayy from him and examined him with those damp eyes. "You're so much like your father. It's like looking at a ghost, sometimes. Like talking to one, too. He was always headed off in search of on damnfool thing or another. I get the feeling that if I locked your door, you'd find a way to crawl out the windows. And that if I locked them, you'd just break through the walls. Go out and find what you're looking for, Mal. Just make sure that when you do find it you make it home in one piece. " She touched the cross hanging around his neck. "Trust in God. I have faith He'll bring you back to me."

"I'll do that," he said quietly. He couldn't say any more, didn't trust himself to say any more. He just waved awkwardly to his mother and left, her final admonitions ringing in his ears.

He made sure to read the Bible that evening, and ever other evening for the rest of the war.

---

It was easy for me to find a recruiting station in those days. We weren't the Browncoats or the rebels yet; at that point we were still the League of Independent Worlds. Our very own alliance, trying to hold back the Alliance that was trying to turn the whole system into their private playground.

Shadow was especially infested with Browncoats. I could walk right up to the man in a tan uniform, tell him my name and age, and get signed up right there in public. Lots of folk had come to Shadow to get away from the Senate in Londinium and Sihon, and weren't all that keen on the grand Unification said government was proposing. So the League found plenty of recruits there back in the early days.

Some said that this kind of open defiance would come back to haunt Shadow. It would take me a while before I learned just how right they were.

----

"Private Reynolds?"

Mal looked up from his book. The tall, dark skinned woman in front of him had the uniform of a fellow private, and something about her stance said to him she was spaceborn. He put down the book he'd been trying to read - somebody had left a stack of old - fashioned paperbacks under a bed in the barracks, and Mal had helped himself - and stood up with a puzzled expression on his face. Aside from the two of them there were only two other soldiers in the whole barracks. Jensen was on his bunk writing a letter to his parents, while some new boy he didn't know yet was trying to get some sleep. Most of the others were out on Beaumonde, exploring what the little moon had to offer in terms of women, gambling and alchohol. Mal couldn't really find it in him to blame them. Two years into the war, he was starting to understand that you had to take your pleasures when and where you could, because there was no guarantee you'd get the chance tomorrow. The past few months had been especially perilous - pursuit by Alliance gunboats, faulty communications, and the campaigning outside fo New Kashmire had put them all on edge.

Didn't mean he planned on joining them, though. It was getting towards evening, local time, and he'd always set aside a few hours around this time of day for reading his Bible. It calmed him down, sometimes, after rough campaigns like this. Now, however, he stood up and eyed the woman in front of him quizzicaly. "That's me. Who's asking?"

"Private Zoe Alleyne." She nodded and grasped her hands behind her back, all business. "I've been sent here because you and a lot of your boys are from Shadow, is that right?" Waiting only long enough for him to not, she continued. "Seems there's been some heavy activity in that part of space. Alliance craft of all kinds coming and going, with a blockade of warships around the planet proper. It's odd; no one can see what they're up to, but they don't seem to be firing on the planet at all. Just cut off all communications, stop and redirect all incoming ships, and wait. High Command is still trying to find out what's going on, but Corporal Lewis thinks the soldiers from Shadow should know. "

Something cold and tight gripped Mal's gut. "It's probably nothing," he told her, trying to reasure himself. "Some purplebelly bigwig probably just wants front row seats the the horse show and decided to cut off all the compitition." He paused and tried to settle on another topic. "So. You been in the army long? Because when the drill seargents start talking about giving you the Bloody Vulture, they're pulling your leg."

Zoe shook her head solemly. "Bloody Vulture, Reynolds? Everyone knows the real punishment of choice for sadistic seargents these days is flogging and dip in boiling motor oil." She paused for a moment to let him sputter, then grinned. "I'm sorry, have they not told you about that yet? Damn shame, how negligent the army's getting these days."

----

Zoe and I've been inseperable ever since. She's got a head on her shoulders like none I've ever met, and out in the black you need someone liek that watching your back. It's that firm bedrock of common sense that's made the difference between life and death more than once, on the battlefield and on Serenity. It helped me cope with the news that after careful consideration, the High Command would not be moving to challenge the Alliance's death grip on Shadow. I understood why; they had too few ships to be challenging a fleet of that size. Didn't make me any less angry, though. There was a lot of grumbling in the ranks after the word came down, but after a while we learned to deal with it. We had more important things to occupy our time, after all.

Like loosing a war.

After Serenity Valley I didn't know waht to do with myself. My first thought was flying back to Shadow, but word was that the Alliance was still holding it hostage. For what, no one knew. All I knew was that it was home, and home was safety. Zoe agreed to come with me, and we dragged Tracy along because we needed a damn good pilot. The blockade had been relaxed some, but getting through it was still tricky going. I was resolute, though.

Sometimes I wish I'd stayed away. I might have leanred eventually anyways, but not so soon after that last battle.

And I wouldn't have seen everything, either.

---

The walked down the main street of Taibe in dead silence.

No one moved along the main street of Shadown's capital city. No cars hummed up and down the highway, no horses dragged in loads from the outlying farms, no children ran and played in the public squares and parks.

No one and nothing seemed to be moving at all except for the three of them. Their boots slapped agains the pavement, sounding unatrually loud in the silence. Mal stared, trying to come to grips with the situation. It just didn't make sense. There were no signs of desolatioun, except where negelct had allowed things to rust or crumble apart. No craters, no broken windows, no sign of an Alliance bombardment. If anything, it looked like the entire population had been rounded up and taken off - world. Their hasty scans as they descended had shown similar desolation for as far as they could see.

He came to a stop at a sign announcing that the office building on their right was the home of the offices of James Hue, M.D. Mal and his ma had been going to the good doctor ever since Mal could remember, and after a few frowning moments spent staring at the black windows of the office he turned and walked in the door. Zoe and Tracy shared a dubious glance before following.

The reception area was just as dark and quiet as the street outside. There were no signs or posters giving a reason for such complete destertion. It looked just like it might on any normal business day, if you ignored the dead lights and layers of dust everywhere. No On Break sign at the desk, no sign of repairs, no employees, no patients. No nothing.

Mal felt his hear thudding so loud he was sure Tracy and Zoe could hear it too. This was insane. He was feeling scared and out of place in the offices of a man he'd known and trusted his entire life. Suddenly he decided that they had to get to his family's ranch. It was only a few miles away, on the edge of the river. They could get there in a few minutes, and if he went very much longer without knowing what had happened to his family he was like to go insane.

"Let's get to the old homestead," he said quietly. Evidently, neither of his companions felt inclined to argue.

They saw the first bodies just as they passed out of the city limits. A couple who had been sitting by the side of the road, apparently doing nothing but staring at the other side. They were sprawled ther like they'd been killed and - no, that was wrong. Their postures were too serene, and Mal couldn't see any marks of violence on them. It looked like they'd gone to sleep and never woken up. Mal forced his shaking hands to lie still, gripping his thighs as he looked around at the land passing by. The grass, weeds, grain, all the plang life was still flourishing.

There just weren't any people. Anywhere.

Zoe glanced over and noticed him shaking. She leaned over and quietly put a hand on his shoulder. He reached out and grabbed it, blindly accepting the reassurance.

Tracy came at last to the gravel drive Mal had described. There was a sign arching over it - Reynolds Ranch. Simple, perhaps, but Mal's ma had never been one for ostentation. She always said a good reputation was worth a thousand gaudy signs.

"Mal?" Tracy's high, reedy voice was almost a squeak now. "You - you wanna go on?"

"Yes," Mal replied quietly.

They drove on. It was the first time Mal had been home since he left for the war.

It hadn't changed at all. That was the first thing that hit him, as Tracy drove the Rover over to the garage. The same building were shining in the mid - afternoon sun, the smae flowers were spreading across three sides of the main house. Azaleas, geraniums, and the strange flower known only as Shadow's Glory were in full bloom.

There were weeds filling the garden, though. Mama never let her precious flowers get choked with weeds like that. Slowly, as if in a dream, Mal stumbled out of the Rover and towards the door with its red frame and fan window. It was the same door he'd walked in and out of a thousand times, but his hands were clumsy and shaking as they turned the handle.

He had a thousand ideas, each more terrible than the last, of what he'd see when he opened that door. Still, the sight of her body lying cold and dead in her favorite recliner made him shut his eyes, trying to deny the body, deny the silence, deny the deathly calm beauty of this summer day. He ran out of the house as fast as he could, ignoring Zoe and Tracy's calls, running down the drive as fast as he could to get away from those horrible dead eyes.

---

I never went back to Shadow. Never buried my mother, never put the place in order. Tracy, Zoe and I were too shaken to tell anyone what we'd seen. Who'd have believed us, anyways? We were just three beaten Browncoats. I hear the Alliance bombed the entire planet a week after our visit. Punishment for unconditional support of the Browncoats, is how I hear they put it. Some tried to go back and salvage what they could.

Me, I couldn't stand the thought of seeing my home again, so calm and restful and quiet.


End file.
